ANXIETY

I put the title in all CAPS because I wanted you to know that I meant for you to read it low-key yelling in your head {I’m assuming you did, because I always seem to do so when things are capitalized}. A SUPER fun fact about me is that I have anxiety…by the way the “fun” part was sarcasm. {This is why I need to start vlogging so you don’t have to guess the tone I’m using}. It has taken me the past seven days to figure out what I was going to write about next because my mind has been moving at a million miles an hour this past week due to some personal issues. Because of those, I chose to tell you this:

Anxiety is not JUST panic attacks or biting your nails, being nervous about a big test or presentation, shakiness or a fear of going over bridges, etc. Anxiety is a frame of the mind. Anxiety is real, and it’s a part of living the lyfe I do.

…OH MY, ANOTHER SOB STORY ABOUT MENTAL ILLNESS…

RELAX, this won’t be a sap post 101, I promise. Lemme fill ya in a bit:

Fortunately, I began to notice it post high school. If I would have paid more attention to it back then, I would have lost my mind. BUT thankfully, I’ve gotten a good grip on how things work, and I’ve learned to control it, without the medication. I don’t believe in using a pill to calm myself {because that’s what works for ME}. I wanted to prove to myself that I could use the things that bring me joy to find a way out of allowing pity little things to take over my mind.

STAY POSITIVE, HAPPY AND LOVING, THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE BEST AT CLAIRE.  

^An example of something I’d remind myself. I found that repeating things is the best way to help convince myself of almost anything. Things like writing, fitness, photography & {my} people are what keep my mind elsewhere. I thank God for my sense of humor, because without that LET ME TELL YA, I’d be a lost cause {jus’ kidding, but really making people laugh is such a good outlet for my nerves}. I wouldn’t have the ability to conquer half the things I do if I were without my silly side. I relied solely on my personality as a kid and into high school to gain relationships with my peers and people outside of school, too. Heading into my junior year is where fitness took on a big role in my life. I decided being the class clown wasn’t going to cut it forever. Having a lack of confidence was starting to take a toll on my wit, so I turned to the weights {BLESS UP}. Being bubbly kept me sane & away from the continuous thoughts of “oh shit, you’re screwing up, QUICK, fix it!”. It’s scary being trapped in the mindset where you feel as if you can’t stop going. You’re thinking of the worst thing possible at all times but don’t want to be annoying but you’re afraid of what will happen but you just want to be ‘chill’ but you don’t know how to do that because you’re still wondering the worst case scenario and it’s just repetitive as ALL HECK. {I’m sweating typing this right now, just to give you a little insight on how it’s goin’}. I still wonder how people can be so carefree about certain situations, I just accept that that’s not me. A downfall of being anxious about anything ever, is vulnerability.

I. CANNOT. SAY. NO.

I don’t mean to sex, drugs or drinking. Not those scary things. I mean, I BOW DOWN to people when they need me. I get taken advantage of in the simplest ways, but I don’t notice it happening because I’m blinded by my mindset. Couple of small examples:

 Oh, you need me to take your shift? Sure, but when I ask, you just “can’t” but next time you need me to, I still will! Oh, you need a DD? SURE! I need gas $ though, but you’re already too drunk and forgot…next time, I’ll STILLL pick you up!

These things seem small and easy, which is where it becomes a hard concept for people to understand from the outside looking in {I won’t ever use ‘suffer’ because, well I don’t suffer from anything. Lyfe is DOPE, and greater than ever as far as I’m concerned, there’s just loads of distractions throughout}. Any ‘normal’ person would say, “What the…just say no???”. Okay, but I can’t. You don’t understand, you won’t understand, so don’t try to understand {although, I do appreciate the effort}. I either feel too bad, feel like I just should, THINK they’d do the same for me, feel like it’s the right thing to do, want to help someone out, all the while not expecting anything in return. See, this is where I screw myself over, every, dang, time. I wouldn’t mind thinking this way, with extra caution and whatnot, but I’ve lost a lot of people in my lyfe due to this. I make quick decisions without thinking them through {a.k.a. not considering how others will feel based on my actions} OR I’ll overthink something and then it’s too late.

Okay…cool. I thought this was supposed to be a positive blog to lift me up when I’m down; to make Monday’s a little brighter. Well I’m not quite finished. This is getting lengthy, but bare with me a little longer. This is an informative post to help show you that I’m not perfect, no one is. I think it’s important for you to know who I am as a person. This is reality & every one is going through something. Heard that one before, am I right? Well, that’s because it’s the truth. Anxiety might have it’s downfalls, and it’s been one heck of a ride, but I’ll tell you…

I’m happy with it.

–WHAT THE FRENCH TOAST, YOU JUST RANTED ON FOREVER ABOUT HOW MUCH IT SUCKS–

I’m the open minded, overly-loving, crazy person I am BECAUSE of it. I rock it. Yeah, I’ll get a little big headed for a second here because I ROCK at having anxiety. I put others before myself, and admittedly have made horrid, HORRID mistakes along the way that quite honestly, I’ll never, ever get past. But, at least I can ‘fess up to them. If you choose to f*** up, {YES IT’S A CHOICE PEOPLE} you have to live with it. Don’t try to justify it. Don’t try to make it out to be better than what it was, because you DECIDED to do what you did. I count that as a strength of mine; owning my faults. I preach to forgive yourself for your mistakes, to not let them define you, and I’d say I do pretty well at practicing those ways, but that doesn’t mean I don’t look back. As long as you make a lesson out of your error, you’re on the right track. Find the pluses within your f*** up along the way. It may take a bit to figure out where to go; you’ll feel lost for a little while. But in the end I fall back on God because I know He has his plan. Accepting that has been one of the hardest things to do because I don’t understand, leading me to overthink and try to go back and fix what can’t be undone. My advice to you, if you feel as if you can relate to some of the things I’ve put here today:

Don’t change for your anxiety. It’s here to control you, but fight with all you have to run wild with a colorful mind. Don’t settle for a black & white lyfestyle. Take charge & don’t allow a bump in road to stop you from achieving your goals. Learn to love it.

{PSA: I am not against using medication to keep anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder etc. under control, it just doesn’t work for me, personally!}

This is a photo I took on the way to La Crosse, WI a few weeks after making one of the biggest mistakes of my lyfe. October of 2015. I have a love/hate relationship with it, but the more I look at it, it helps to remind me of how far I’ve come. Some of it’s a blur, but the colors are the most important aspect & just so happen to be in focus here. Focus on the colors in your lyfe, they’re worth much more than the blurs.

This photo represents anxiety to me.

xo // Stay peachy babes!

p.s. I’m going to start posting photos with my blog posts, I think that will bring a bit more lyfe to ’em. MWAH!